I was bored so I decided to write a story. -shrugs-


Prolouge


"(Is Suicide a Choice?) No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."

-Adina Wrobleski






Who am I?



Why am I here?


I feel like there is no purpose in life. I'm not important at all. No one loves me and if they did, I'd label them 'crazy' or just 'insane'.
Because really, who would love me? Who would love my long, curly dyed black hair or my brilliant green eyes? Wait-did I just say brilliant?
That's not the word I was looking for. I'm a poor excuse for a 14-year-old girl. I'm ugly-I'd just inherited the worse side of my family gene I guess.
I'm just drowning in depression and despair. It all happened so fast. It seemed like yesterday when I was so happy; so proud of who I was. Now I'm just ashamed.



Why would I want to live anymore now that she's gone? She was like the sister I never had! We were so close and now that she's gone I feel as if a part of me is missing, never to return again. It's appalling and although I'm so caught up in deep depression I know how worried my parents are. I can just see it in their eyes. Whenever I'm around them they just stare at me with a saddened look to their faces. I've nicked at their hearts for so long, I know. But it's not like I did this intentionally. I didn't map this whole scheme out. Let's see...Monday: Drill nails into their hearts, Tuesday: Dig out their souls and rip it in half. No, I didn't do that! I'm sick; weak.




Humans are fragile beings, I'll tell you. One stab at your heart; one gunshot to the head and you're gone. You're dead. And it can be so easy. It's so effortless to hold that gun up to your head and pull the trigger. To grab that knife underneath your bed, point it to your heart and you're set; Just swing. It's not complicated and yet, I havn't done it yet. I don't want to think of myself as suicidal. But I can't push away those thoughts out of my mind. I feel so numb; not even living my life, letting time pass me by. And the sad part is...I don't care. I could care less about life. It's all just a big game anyway. I used to be digusted with the kind of people who take life for granted and I convienced myself that I'll never do the same thing but I am. I'm doing the same exact thing and I feel embarrased!




But it's not like I have a choice. It's not like I thought, Hey, I think I wanna be depressed today! I think I wanna be suicidal! I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. I can't think straight. I wonder everyday, Why didn't I die too? Why did she, my cousin, have to die? We were in the same situation,the same setting, and yet I came out alive with only a couple of broken bones! Why did it have to happen in the first place! I just feel so angry with myself like I could've done something! But now I just don't know who I am anymore! Am I the real Brianna Tillie Armstrong or am I just watching someone else's life on the TV screen every fucking day?


Am I just a repetition of someone else's life...or am I just a figment of my imagination?

Oh my gosh.  Chelsea, this is amazing.  Write more soon!

hehe
thankies Faye!

THIS IS AWESOME!

write more .. please?

hehehehehe
i will write more soon!!

1:Metal, Thunder, and Rain


6 months ago

"Be back by 10 alright?" My father, Billie Joe, said looking up from the TV screen to look at me.

I gave him a smile. "I will, don't worry okay?"

He answered with a nod as he looked back at the TV just in time to see a skater crash head-first to the ground. He winced as the host of Scarred re-appeared on the screen.

Noticing that I was still there, he looked up at me, a confusing look formed on his face. "What?"

I gave him an 'I can't believe you would forget' look. "Don't I get a hug?"

He let out a laugh and pulled me close into a hug. "I love you." He said with a smile.

"I love you too daddy." I said back as I gave him a small kiss on his forehead. "I'll be back soon."

I then quickly walked over into the hallway and grabbed my shoes to put them on, leaning against the wall for balance. I sighed out of habit as I took my black hair tie off my wrist to pull my long black, curly hair up away from my face.

I then looked around for a moment trying to find what I needed but gave up and asked in a frustrated tone, "Has anyone seen my My Chemical Romance hoodie?"

"The last time I saw it, it was in your closet, Brianna." My mother said as she cleaned the dishes in the kitchen.

I let out another sigh, louder and more dramatic than the last. "You mean I have to go all the way upstairs and into my room to get it?!?!"

My mom and I smiled at each other at the joke.

"Yes Brianna, we all know just how 'special' you can be."

Now that was NOT a joke!

My jaw dropped as I turned to my father. "How dare you! You know what?"

He laughed. "What?"

I thought for a moment. "Your....face! Ha!" I cried as I dramatically flew up the stairs into my room.

And yeah, this family is very dramatic! Well...maybe just me. Oh well, who really cares anyway?

So when I finally got ready my cousin, Lacey, was honking the horn outside as if saying I was a slow poke or something! She really has no idea!

I ran full speed down the hallway, dodging dangerous laser beams, and jumped on the railing and slid down it and ran out the door! They wern't gonna get me this time for I, Brianna Armstrong, have defeated the wrath of the evil ninjas! Muhuhahaha!

Well....not really. The ninjas; my brothers Jakob and Joey. Dangerous laser beams; toy guns.
Just wanted to feel the a superhero!
....Yeah....I already know I'm insane! No need to remind me!
...Whoa...my ass is burning from that stupid rail....oww...

"What took you so long???" Lacey asked right when I got in her car and out of the storm that was outside. How did I know this was gonna happen? "And don't blame the "ninjas" again!"

We both looked at each other and laughed.

Lacey smiled and turned up the radio as she sped down the highway; Dead! was on.

We both started singing but I stopped when I noticed an important issue.

"Lacey, why don't you put your seatbelt on?" I asked. She knows how I am with my safety worries!

She sighed. "Relax Brianna! The mall is not that far away!"

I stared at her for a moment then sighed. "Well...oh...okay..."

"Come on Brianna, lighten up! This is supposed to be a celebration with you entering highschool and what-not."

I laughed. "Oh wow!!! I'm just BURSTING with excitment!!! Wee!"

She laughed at my sarcastic ways. "You know, you are so much like your--"

"--Father, I know Lacey. People say that ALL THE TIME!" I said smiling, finishing her sentence.

"Heh!" Lacey cried out. And I'm guessing that was supposed to be a laugh...?

"HEH HEH!" I cried back.

We laughed once more and began to sing again.


Yeah!!!!!!!!!
And if your heart stops beating
I'll be here wondering.
Did you get what you deserved?
The ending of your life.
And if you get to heaven
I'll be here waiting, babe
Did you get what you deserve?
The end, and if your life won't wait
Then your heart can't take this

Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway
Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand? It ain't exactly what you planned.
And wouldn't it be great If we were dead?

Then all the sudden....BAM!!!!!!

It all happened so fast. I saw the car coming towards us on the left side, apparently running a red light, and I braced myself knowing what was gonna happen.

It was just so silent in those last couple seconds besides the occasional roar of the thunder and the constant clanking of the rain.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch this akward skit. So akward just because of how slow you react to things like this.

You just sit there like nothing's happening at all until it was finally over. Lacey's hands, still gripped the wheel looking straight ahead of her, her right foot on the gas pedal. The car was trying to get away from the accident. Trying so hard to force itself out of it's opponent's grasp.

But it was too late.

I wanted so badly for this to be a dream; just a horrible dream that I would wake up to in a matter of seconds. I counted to five and pinched my wrist, hoping it would wake me up, but it never did.

Then I heard it. The sound of the glass braking, the crunching of metal to metal. My eyes were still closed. I didn't want to watch. The car had hit us, there was no doubt about that.

The pain shooting up and down my body was nothing I'd experienced before. Though the sound of the metal, the thunder, and the rain clanking to the ground was so loud, I could hear it; my ribs braking into millions of pieces. It felt like I was about to shatter along with the windows, like I was being ripped in half.

I finally realized, with the dizzy sensation in my head, that Lacey's car was rolling down what felt like a hill. My mind wanted me to open my eyes but I disobayed it's comands. It asked me again and once more I said no as blood started flowing down my face.

This was a reality flash for me; the blood. I wanted to scream but something wouldn't let me. It was as if I had something shoved down my throat.

My mind began playing my life backwords like the rewinding of a video tape. This was it...my life was about to end. I knew it.

The car rolled and rolled and rolled, but still I didn't want to open my eyes. Even though my mind told me to I could hear a voice crying the opposite.

It was a man...a man's voice. But in all the confusion I was in I called out Lacey's name, thinking it was her calling my name, but I recieved no answer.

"LACEY?!?!" I cried again, not even realizing that I had opened my eyes. There was no way to tell which part of the car was up and which was down. Up became down and down became up.

I looked ahead of me alarmed to find that the car was heading straight for a brick wall.

"BRIANNA, CLOSE YOUR EYES!!"

It was that man again.

I didn't have time to question the voice so I waited for the last second to savor the freedom of vision and quickly closed my eyes once more. Although my eyes were shut tight I could see a bright light before...

BAM!!!!!

It was the last thing I heard along with the thunder... the metal... and the rain.  

--Last edited by lockandload_xx on 2007-07-25 22:57:16 --

OMG!! I hope she's ok! update.. please???

hehehe
more soon!

that was amazing chelsea.
cant wait for more.

hehehe
thatnks Jen!
i'll try to write more this week!

YES!!!!

SCORE!  Update!  Amazing as usual, Chelsea.  Well done.

LOL
thanks Faye!!

Welcome.

hehe
i'll put more up either today or tomorrow.
not sure when but i will

Yay!  Can't wait!

hehehe

Will there be an update soon?

soon
i was writing part of it yesterday

Yay! *hugs*